FEAST OF MEN Page 10

  I proceed cautiously, “David, this insecurity about a woman only being after you for your money is exactly what women will see in you. Any woman who’s really after you for your money will see your fear and insecurity. Then she’ll be able to manipulate you because of it. Her insecurity and your insecurity match which isn’t necessarily negative, unless it’s used to manipulate and used to only take and not to ever give. You’ll bring to you that which you believe. So, you can look at—learn from it then release it—or stay stuck. Beliefs about yourself and others create your reality because you can only recognize and bring to you that which matches your perceptions about yourself and others. When you’re okay with yourself, have faced and released your distorted perceptions and negative beliefs—released things you’re carrying around that are creating just what you don’t want in your life—you’ll bring to you more positives, and fewer negatives. It’s all on some subconscious, deep-seated level. That’s why I bring playboys to me because it’s exactly what I fear.”

  He states, “Hurts to think all a woman sees is dollar signs.”

  “Hurts to know all a man sees is your body.”

  “I see what you’re saying but it doesn’t mean I agree with any of it. Most all of it is bullshit, unrealistic, idealistic and untrue.”

  I state, “Well, I want to stay idealistic. You want a woman that’s great looking and generous with her body who can fuck like a man with her emotions not attached. Who will want nothing from you, while she’s giving you everything she has physically then paying for it all herself, while you’re giving nothing emotionally. How unrealistic is that?”

  He laughs nervously, “Well, I can try—can’t I?”

  “You’re afraid of intimacy. I’ve got to hold onto my hope and faith that there’s a man who’s past all this kind of insecurity and selfishness. David, living like you’re choosing to do just makes and creates more cynicism—bringing the same things to you over and over again to prove to yourself that you’re right.”

  “I’m not unhappy Natalie and I’d give you anything you want.” Deep breath. “Shit, can’t believe what I just said and I take it back immediately.”

  Chuckling, “Don’t worry David, I’ve already forgotten. I’d never take you up on it anyway. You and I are looking for very different things. So, you’re safe with me.”

  “Love is overrated, causes pain and costs money. Sex keeps thing simple. Hell, like I told you on the phone, I’ve given extravagant gifts to women who don’t even remember my birthday with a card.”

  I ponder. Does he think he’s even worthy of love? Then I say, “Sex doesn’t keep things simple. Your belief in this only keeps your emotions and feelings stuffed inside. David, I’ve been hurt more than anybody could ever know but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying for a relationship. If someone wants to fool and use you, they usually can. They may not even know what they’re doing because they can’t actually see themselves or what they are doing, and are operating out of their subconscious beliefs and hurts. It’s so insidious. The deal is—to learn and to know who you are. Then hopefully, you’ll be able to see through users before any harm is done. Live in the integrity of your authenticity, instead of operating out of some need or insecure desire. Sounds good anyway, I sure hope I can do it.”

  “Way too complicated for me.”

  “Only as complicated as you choose to make it and I am tired of talking about all this, you don’t believe or really want to hear a thing, I’m saying. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m just trying to figure things out to make sense out of all the heartache in my life because I want to be true to myself, so then hopefully, I can have true love in my life.”

  “Your insights are interesting and I believe in your right to say it. I enjoy listening to you but don’t really know why? Perhaps, I’m still hoping you’ll have an epiphany.”

  “You only want me to talk, so you can bust my chops and make fun of my beliefs. What epiphany? I’ve had my epiphany and I know what I want. Perhaps, all our talking will bring you to your epiphany. It could be the real reason for your questions, for you to wake up and see how shallow you’re living, then for you to get rid of all the fear you’re caring around about women and relationships.”

  He states, “It’ll never happen for me. You’re the last of a dying breed. You still believe in true love. Don’t know many, if any who do. So, I’m just curious about a dying species. Women out here—want lots of good sex and money, but mostly money with no love.”

  I come back with, “Perhaps, the women you know are only reflecting your beliefs.”

  “Okay, I see what you’re getting at, but still think it’s bullshit.”

  Sarcastically, “I am so glad I continued to share my thoughts.” As I think, can we please hurry and get to the airport. Talking to this man is beyond irritating. Yet, I continue, “You don’t agree, but you’ve listened. I think communication, trust, respect, lots of great sex and no money issues are what make the basis for a good marriage or relationship.”

  “Damn, you’ve thought about it so much and in such detail.”

  “Yeah someday, I’m going to be a relationship evangelist on TV with a ‘beehive hairdo’ wearing tons of make-up preaching away about it all.”

  Laughs sarcastically, “Admirable that you’re so dedicated and it’ll probably pay off.”

  “I’m trying to break through the beliefs I took in from my parents that keep me from having what I want and it’s been brutal. There’s a saying about love that I like, it goes something like this. ‘The ego, edits God out telling us that surrender means danger, loss, defeat and death. Except there’s a voice of wisdom within each of us which knows that true surrender is the doorway to freedom and fulfillment. Letting go of our agendas to control, we open ourselves to accept the support, love, learning and growth being extended to us in every moment. Surrender is really coming home to ourselves, teaching us that life is our ally rather than our enemy. Our fear of surrender is rooted in our lack of trust in God’s love, which is based on the belief God is separate from us.’ This fear is doubly manifested in abused children because they’re not able to trust their parents. Their parents make them feel that they’re not good enough making it difficult to trust themselves, others and their God. Therefore, holding onto their survival ego is the only way they think they can survive the pain.”

  David bursts out in laughter then replies. “Nice, but again awfully idealistic and I’m not surrendering to anything or anybody.”

  I continue, “Perhaps, it is idealistic, but if our lives are governed by our individual truth—our experience is governed by our individual beliefs. Love is not about control, it’s about freedom. That’s why many men have so much difficulty loving because they’re more comfortable controlling in order to make them feel safe even if it’s a false sense of safety. While real love and loving is genuine safety. I’d like to meet a man who understands himself enough, so he’s able to love without equating it with power over another person. Then perhaps, I’ll be able to release my fear of being controlled and become able to receive. To truly love another and receive love takes a really secure person.”

  “Well, could be and then I’m totally left out because I’m never going to surrender or lose control of anything because I just want sex.”

  “My point exactly—do you feel like you were abused on any level as I child?”

  “Don’t know but probably, my parents are and were complete bores and my father wanted me to stay up East and work in some company. Nothing I did pleased them and I can’t stand to be around them for long.”

  “Well, that could be it. The beginning of what shut you down concerning emotions and the need to feel in control. And why you don’t like or belief in marriage—you saw it as boring and restrictive.”

  He comments, “Bullshit, nothing that happened to me as a child is affecting me now. I’m way past all that.”

  I reflect in frustration, David’s so out of touch with his emotions an
d has separated himself from his body—that sex is all he’s capable of. He’s still like a teenager with his fast cars and ponytail. Emotionally, he’s still a child and about as sexy or sensually stimulating as a whining baby with his big belly. He flaunts his money, but enjoys withholding it. I can hear the three-year-old still in control of him shouting, ‘I can play with your toys, but if you touch mine you have to go home. All I feel is pity and disgust for him.

  “Okay, so you’ve figured me all out—so wanna fuck?”

  I shoot him a dirty look. “Hardly.”

  Noticing traffic has come to a standstill, I panic. “Am I going to miss my plane? It feels as if we’ve been on this road forever?”

  “No, we’re okay. Airport’s just around the next bend.”

  I think to myself in relief, I’m so ready to get out of this car. This conversation has been boring and a moment of silence sounds good. I try to relax a bit and enjoy the view, but too soon another question.

  “Could you love a man who didn’t have money?”

  I reply, “Sure, I have, but now—um, not sure. Once I was offered all the material things I could ever want by a man I loved, except he had trouble with the concept of love. Was more into the fast life and had emotional problems. So, I turned him down. None of my husbands were really financially well off and I married them anyway because of love, which ultimately turned out to be to my destruction. I’m tired of money being such an issue in my relationships. Being that—I had money—am from a family with money and they were not. Therefore, they felt insecure. One husband did go onto make a nice amount of money after he stopped drinking. And my last husband was considered successful in most anyone’s eyes, but he was such an arrogant narcissist jerk that, well. Success and money are relative—as you know. It mostly has to do with they feel they are successful—that they have or are on their way to achieving that which they desire.”

  “You are a wise woman and you’ve been through so damn much.”

  “David, do you think all you have to like or love about you is your money?”

  “Well no, I don’t think so. I must have a few redeeming qualities.”

  “So why do you think a woman would be after you only for your money?”

  “Because the women I meet only care about what I buy for them and where I take them. They give nothing to me in return—like I said not even a birthday card.”

  “It’s your belief system. You’re bringing this type of a woman to you, so you can prove that you’re correct in what you believe. Perhaps, it really isn’t true of the women and it’s you projecting your beliefs onto them. They start out sincere, but then soon react in the way that you expect them to. Maybe, there’s a part of you that thinks money is all you areor have to offer, or is more the reality that it’s all you care to give—if you give at all. So, with these beliefs, you’ll attract women who aren’t capable of seeing and loving you. Do you think you have qualities that someone could or would love?”

  “Like I said—don’t really want love. It’s a delusion, an illusion or whatever!”

  “So that’s what you mirror back repeatedly. If you want sex without love, why wouldn’t a woman, you’d attract to you want material things without caring about you? Do you see this at all? You are just bringing your beliefs back to you for you to look at and either continue or change.”

  “I don’t believe all this shit.”

  “Think about it, if you don’t love yourself and believe you’re lovable—then how can someone else truly see and love you? Then if someone does love you, you’ll try to find ulterior motives for their love because you don’t feel you’re worth loving. It might be on the subconscious level, but it’s there all the same and it’s what you’ll create. A person who really might love you will eventually oblige with what you believe because of your signals and behavior and will love only what you think you have to offer—whatever that may be. If it’s money then it’ll be money. I know women who’ll blow their husband’s money just because they don’t feel loved. Of course, they may not feel lovable in the first place so they create the exact scenario to prove this to be true—thus the destructive cycle is begun—which creates in a person—their belief system—their imprint that ‘love is a big waste of time.’ That’s why there’s so much emotion, desire, fear, sabotaging, destruction and defense of it going on all at the same time—with so many having the curiosity—desire about love—yay or nay—being everywhere and in everyone as either pro or con.”

  David comments, “Yeah, I can see what you’re saying, but takes too much effort to think about it. So, I’ll just have to settle for a good fuck.”

  “Well, I’m doing all I can to figure it out.”

  “For damn sure.”

  I continue, “I have little to nothing financially now, but feel more connected to myself than ever before. When I have money again, I’ll be and feel differently than I did before, because now I know money is only a tool to be used on the earth plane and has nothing to do with myself worth or who I am in my soul.”

  “Well, wouldn’t it be a fucking miracle if we all felt that way?”

  “David, I think you’re really just too insecure to love someone or to allow someone to love you. And that’s too bad because you are really a nice, interesting, talented and kind man—except when you aren’t.”

  “I don’t... well, could be, maybe? Perhaps, don’t really know? Don’t think of myself as insecure. After all, I’m a successful designer and have millions of dollars... I—but—thanks for the compliments.”

  “That’s what you are on the outside, but who is David, really?”

  He says, “This conversation is wearing on my nerves.”

  I think to myself—he started all this—so now, I am feeling challenged. So, I push forward sarcastically because up until now, I’ve been trying to curtail it. Now, it’s my turn to push. “Yes, why even think about it? Why not just focus on sex making sure no one will love you for your money, right? That way, you’ll keep everyone at an emotional distance to guard against being hurt or ever feeling vulnerable. Doing this is fear based, so you won’t have to acknowledge or even look at yourself in any honest way while being able to stay where you think is ‘safe’—never really being intimate with anyone. Actually, you’re shutting down a part of yourself—the most important part—your heart and soul while you are blocking love and joy.”

  “Bullshit and I really don’t care to be analyzed like this.”

  Knowing I have touched a nerve—the truth of his defenses—so I back it off. “Okay, but you began all this by pressing me to continue—then when I trigger anything in you. It’s time to stop.”

  “Not everyone wants to do what you’re doing. Some of us are fine just the way we are and don’t really care to analyze. I just want fun and sex.”

  “I want to have fun, too, but my life hasn’t been fun. It’s been full of pain and I’m trying to figure out why? Trying to fake myself out to survive just doesn’t cut it with me. I want to feel my emotions to live in authenticity. Suffering is what cracked it all open to my desire and quest for understanding. I want fun and sex with love encompassing it all and a man to be a man, so I can be a woman and relax in my femininity.”

  Sarcastically, “Sure, hope you find it.”

  I ponder, whoops—I struck too much of a nerve—he’s so in denial that he won’t look at himself—so why push? We have no attraction or connection. Perhaps, this was my reason for this trip, I need to talk about myself—not him. He’ll just shut down, while thinking I’m a bitch. The typical male reaction, so obligingly, I change the subject to make him more comfortable. “No one knows how bad off I am financially, but you. I sold most of my jewelry earlier this month and it was so difficult—especially my diamond cross.”

  I says, “Sorry, I snapped at you and you’re having such a rough time.”

  “We’re mirroring our insecurities and pushing each other’s buttons.”

  He inquires, “So, you bring to you what you are,
or part of what you are. Is what you believe? That’s what all this spiritual crap is about?”

  “Yes, pretty much, but who really knows for certain? Only, it does make sense that it’s the way we evolve our souls on earth through attraction, connection and love. All these souls traveling around in physical bodies looking for something—looking for a home and a place to connect. What other reason could there be? The faster you see and own your part in the drama—the faster you’ll heal and go onto something else. Become aware, heal and release, or stay where you are and live stuck in torment and pain. It’s like layers of an onion peeling away. Choosing to shame, blame, deny, avoid or judge keeps things stuck and repeating the same pattern. Until there’s so much pain, you’ll finally decide to acknowledge it, or you’ll just cut yourself off from your emotions using addictions or avoidance to escape. Then perhaps or what if, you’ll need to deal with all the same issues in the next life. Perhaps, it’s each soul deciding how much pain is needed before, they’re forced to listen and shift. Other people give the gift of awareness, if we allow ourselves to see it. We’re exchanging them all the time with all our interactions but most intensely with our love connections.”

  Nervous laughter, “Or there are just a lot of sickos in the world.”

  I chuckle, “Or perhaps, it’s astrology, God’s plan, the pull of the moon on the earth? But why, if all I ever wanted was love, did I bring anything and everything—but? What did I always do so wrong?”

  “Because they’re a lot of jerks in the world, you were in the wrong place and they conned you because you’re so sweet and trusting. You’re too naïve, Natalie. But don’t change because you are genuine and refreshing to be around—a real light on this dark earth.”

  “There’s got to be some other reason, some real purpose? Seems too cynical to think all of this is for nothing. If the world’s purpose is only to see how much money can be made, how many people you can screw, or how much you can acquire—if all my pain was for nothing, why would I even want to go on?”