FEAST OF MEN Page 9

  “Damn, sorry, I was only saying you’re attractive and will probably look great for a lot longer—probably forever. Except out here, a woman’s old over twenty-five, but you’re probably the type who’ll always turn heads. It’s something about your presence and who you are. You glow or something. Don’t know or exactly get what it is. Then you’re so damn nice and friendly. Love flows out of you and everyone responds. You are much more than just a beautiful woman. You’re a God damn Goddess in the body of a racehorse. One of those women who’s going to look physically good forever or longer—much, much longer, I’m sure even in your grave. So, lighten up.” Laughs, “Don’t you realize your affect on people especially men? I am complimenting you, Natalie.”

  I respond, “No, what you did was insult me for being my age.” As I think, damn, I’m so tired of talking. Will we ever get to the airport?

  “Sorry, but most men out here won’t look at a woman over twenty-five or thirty at most. They don’t want to have to think when they’re with a woman. They only want to have some pretty thing to look at and have sex with.”

  “So, what does that say about these men? That they’re shallow, uninteresting and emotionally stunted?”

  “Perhaps, but who cares? You’re too intelligent and awfully difficult to be around because you force a man to think. You wear his mind out when all he really wants to do is fuck.”

  “Well, fuck you, David. The ‘right’ man won’t find me too old or difficult. That actor fellow didn’t think I was too old to invite to dinner. I have felt insecure about how I look much of my life. My mother and father rarely said complimentary things about my appearance. Although, at the same time, I was supposed to be the pretty one in the family, but if I thought I looked good, like before a date. My mother would announce I was being conceited and should be humbler. After I got over being self-conscious about my looks. Now when I’m with people, I’m usually focusing on them, not me. That’s why, what you’re saying about looks and age makes me uncomfortable. To think I’m being judged primarily on my looks when I’m so much more. Certainly, I care about my appearance because feeling that I look good makes me feel sexy and womanly—so it’s all so confusing, huh? For a movie star to want my number, I do find it to be a compliment. There’re so many beautiful women in California. Why would he even notice ‘old’ me?”

  “Who knows? Guess because you’re beautiful inside and out, intelligent and interesting. But most of all you’re genuine. That’s why you’re a turn on. You really do care about people and it shows. You don’t need to worry about your looks—except, it’s still true in California that you wouldn’t make it because of your age.”

  “David, you’re contradicting yourself and that actor asking for my number contradicted what you’re saying, too. My mother told me I was a selfish spoiled brat. Even being shy, I forced myself to overcome and talk to people because I find they enrich me. Up until the past five years or so, I’ve pretty much felt ugly inside and out, partly owing to my parents and husbands treating me like something’s wrong with me when it was their issues that were the problem. They treated me as if I’m not good enough to be treated like I have any feelings and were constantly criticizing me. The favored-first-daughter turned out to be the black sheep of the family, the scapegoat—partly because of my divorces. My father wanted a successful son-in-law. If I couldn’t be a man, at least, I could marry a successful wealthy one. I always thought I must be lacking in some mysterious, illusive element to be such a failure in my parents’ eyes. My father told me no one would be interested in me, unless it was for his money.”

  “Your mother, father and family must not know you at all. Natalie, did it ever occur to you, being so introspective that your mother and father were projecting all their insecurities onto you? What you are has nothing to do with money and it certainly can’t be bought.”

  “Yes, of course, it’s occurred to me. It’s the whole concept I’m talking about and what I’ve been working to heal. People projecting their stuff onto me and my taking it in because of my insecurity and low self-worth.”

  “Just making sure that you are practicing what you’re preaching.”

  “I think I am, or am beginning to.”

  “So, are you interested in having that actor contact you? Apparently, you made quite an impression and he’s actually a nice guy. Designed a pool for his home in the Caribbean a few years back. He asked that I strongly inquire if the lady would be interested in having dinner. Said he’d even be available to come to Dallas. So, do I give him your number?”

  “Tell him he can call me after and only after he’s divorced.” As I think, surprisingly I had no chemistry with that actor and barely even remember talking with him. So, it’d be a waste of my time and his. Unless, I just want to be able to say that I’ve been to dinner with a famous actor. All I need to do is to become involved with some actor who’s not even divorced. I state, “No, I don’t think so. Does this actor know your sexual tastes? Is that why he wants to go out with me? He must think I’m one of your sex slaves. And why’s this traffic moving so slowly?”

  “Absolutely not, he doesn’t know anything about me along those lines. He obviously thought you interesting and attractive. God, you really do have standards and stick to ‘em—huh? Most women would jump at an invitation from him.”

  “Why? He’s just a man who happens to be an actor and has affairs. If the press about him is true and for some reason, I think it is. He might want to get a divorce before he asks women out, but I guess that wouldn’t be Hollywood enough or actually lowly ‘man’ enough. Is there a car wreck up ahead or what? We’re moving so slow.”

  “Don’t worry we’ll get there on time. Keep talking. You impress me with your values. It shocks me that you’re able to stick to them.”

  “Why—just because I wouldn’t go out with some married actor?”

  “Hell yes, I don’t know one woman who wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to go out with him. So, tell me more about your dream guy.”

  “That he’s not married!” I laugh. “And after all I’ve been through, one important aspect is that he be in a place in his career where he’s successful enough to take good care of me. I would like to be taken care of financially because I’ve never experienced this before. Probably going to be a difficult, because I’m so independent and proud. Only like now, I’d like to meet a man whom I love and who loves me, who could help me until I get my things going. I am really, really tired of this financial struggle. Been financially strapped ever since my last husband left me to maintain an expensive house on my own. Truth is, all my husbands left me worse off financially than before I married them, just as I enhanced their life. I could be so much more productive if I weren’t dealing with so much financial stress. But I only want a man to do this for me because he loves me, not because he wants to control me. Some successful types are so into the power trip of control. They have money and it makes them think they can control everything in their life. My father has that aspect to him. Some men think all he is—is his money. Being this insecure—thinks people love him only for his money. Then of course, since he believes this to be true, he brings the very people to him to prove that he’s correct. Kind of like you, David. We have some of the same issues. I’m afraid a man will love me for what he can get or take and you have the same issue. Of course, that really isn’t love at all because love is about giving. But now, I have little to nothing financially.”

  “Is that more of your spiritual stuff talking? Is the problem between us—my money?”

  “Do you have any money, David? Geez, you wouldn’t know it by the ‘dive’ you live in and the cars you drive. I’m fearful of letting a man financially take care of me because of my father’s degrading way he treats others for the sake of money. At the same time, that’s what I want. The problem with your money David, is what you state repeatedly. You’re afraid of a woman taking your money. That’s your whole focus. If you love a woman and she loved you, your money wouldn’t be
that big of an issue. An insecure man with money will always be testing to see if he’s loved for him or his money. It’s really his issue, not the woman’s and it’s about his insecurity concerning not feeling lovable. He’s bringing people to him who’ll prove what he believes to be true, being that he’s not worth loving, unless he has money—again the projection and self-fulfilling prophecy thing all in one.”

  “Ummm, really?”

  “This money thing can be used to keep a man distant from his loved ones. He’s always working, must make more money, so he can keep up his self-worth facade and can avoid intimacy by keeping so busy. The money focused types are only happy when their business is going well. And they may take it out on their wife and loved ones when it’s not. Money or business becomes their whole self-esteem. It’s their ego thinking it gives them power to control any person and everything in their lives just because they have money. Even buying people, whether they realize it or not. If they aren’t doing well financially, they take it out on their loved ones and others in their life. Then they’re shocked when they realize or find they only have people around them who really do only want them for their money, because that’s all they have to give. Pretty weird, huh? I’d like to experience a man who has money and wants to share it with me in love to make my life easier and better. I believe it was Aristotle Onassis who said. “What does a man even need money for if there isn’t a woman to spend it on?”

  To my surprise, David’s listening intently to every word with a ‘found out’ expression on his face. I chuckle to myself as I continue my monologue. “Negating their real emotions, they put everything into their business and think it’s all they are. Material things are great but without love and someone to share it with, how could it be much. To have it all, true love and the resources to have lots of fun in the world, wouldn’t it just be the greatest?”

  He states, “Yeah sure, all but the true love part.”

  “Geez, you’re so cynical. Anyway, if you can’t have fun without money, you won’t have fun with it for long.”

  “That’s probably true and thanks. I am, I mean. I’m not. I like being cynical. So, what do I respond to stay that way?”

  I continue, “During the oil crash, I saw men crack up after they lost it all. Became derelicts sitting at their desks flipping cards into a waste paper basket—so I want a man who has accomplishment and success, but he’s wise enough to know it’s not his whole self-worth. If he lost it all, he’d still be okay. We’d still be able to manage together because of our love and commitment.”

  “Natalie, that is noble and sweet but not realistic.”

  “I know what it feels like to lose most everything because it happened to me twice and I didn’t break. Sure, I was busted up for a while, but it made me stronger and more able to see myself in a different light. As if stripping away every material thing and person I cared about created the space for me to really see myself and grow. With men so many times their money and career are their whole identity—societal conditioning, perhaps, or just plain insecurity. Who knows what the stronger influence is? So, I hope my guy will have a spiritual connection supporting him above all else. Might sound strange, but I also hope that he’ll have had some real pain and loss. So, then he’ll be able to know what’s valuable and be able to appreciate it once he’s found it”

  “You mean found you—don’t you?”

  “Sure, I want to be appreciated and it’ll take just the right man to be able to do so, but we’ll be mirroring each other. Also, he’ll put ‘us’ first and the rest will follow.”

  Sarcastic, “Um, interesting.” Chuckles under his breath, “You don’t want much.”

  “Well, maybe I do want a lot, but so what? I can want what I want. Most important time a couple spends together is talking, just being together like lying in bed at night, making love or playing together. Intimate sharing times are what bond two people and this has nothing to do with money.”

  “Not with the women I’ve met. They think the only meaningful times are when I’m spending money on them. Except yes, I like the alone at night fucking part or there could be even three or four women.”

  “Every word you say just proves my point. Most men will only allow their soft side to come out when they’re with their woman or children. When and where do you reveal your soft side?”

  “I don’t have one. Don’t need that emotional stuff.”

  “We all do. You’re choosing to ignore yours. Women give men a way to process their emotions. That’s the real male draw to a female. It’s the energy connection. Right now, you’re deciding to deny your emotional needs and focus on the physical. Through sex you might get a bit of emotional fulfillment for a short while and feel in control of another human being’s emotions. Our emotions and how we feel about them are what make us who we are. Communication leading to intimacy is what makes people close. You may be afraid to feel your emotions and see yourself and feel your hurt—your pain. Therefore, you don’t want anyone else to get close enough to see you either.”

  “Money is all there is—work, sex and money. Emotions and feelings are a waste of time. You girls can handle that BS part by yourselves, because yes, I want to focus on sex and that’s it. Some people, Natalie just don’t want to go that deep.”

  “Or they can’t because of fear. My point exactly—well, I do have a need to experience a giving man with money because of my history, but that’s not all of it. After dealing with alcoholism, gambling, affairs, ex-wives, step-children then being left with nothing, it’s as if I’ve experienced the bad and little of the good. I’m too kind, understanding or something. I’m tired of giving and not receiving. Men are supposed to protect and be providers. I’m ready to be protected and provided for. My last husband told me, I didn’t deserve a birthday. Why would I attract such cruelty? Was it because I didn’t think I deserved the simplest of things—pretty sad, huh? And I want to have fun—lots of it. Also, want a white Jaguar, a great house, a perfect round diamond, travel and lots of designer clothes.”

  “You’ve been beaten up all right and sounds like you’ll need a millionaire. Well actually, you aren’t asking for all that much and it’s for damn sure, you deserve it. Hope you get it all and I do have the feeling—like I said last night, of all the people in the world, you’ll get what you’re looking for.”

  “Money is an issue for me but that’s pretty much it. So that’s it—what I want.”

  “You’ve certainly analyzed it.”

  “Yes, of course, I’ve been somewhat analytical because it’s important to me.”

  “I can tell.”

  “A relationship is only as solid as the two people in it. So, I’m working on being solid all by myself. I’ve thought long and hard about who I am and what I want. I believe in a relationship, you decide to experience who you really are in order to have a look at aspects of yourself—to either enjoy, self-destruct or self-actualize. It’s a mirror of your beliefs either in the opposite or the same, whether you can see it—realize it in that particular time frame, or not. If you’re a broken mirror, your reflection will be fragmented or you’ll reflect the piece that will benefit you to look at in order, to grow past it and self actualize. A couple can do this together, if they are both open to it, ready and want it. In fact, I believe this is one of the aspects and benefits of a relationship. I just haven’t been with a man who is ready or capable to meet me half way.”

  He states, “And all that is the reason why—all I want is sex.”

  “Hopefully, someday it’ll be worth all the introspection I’ve done.”

  “Hope so, for your sake.”

  “Money might be the last major piece, I’m working on.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, because I bring men to me like you—rich, playboy, owner of many sports cars, etc. and you have the belief that women are after you for your money. You’ve been taken advantage of financially and swear it’ll never happen again. You don’t want love or a relat
ionship. You only want sex then you come after me—weird, huh? When I’m looking for love and so it’s the money deal being thrown in my face repeatedly.”

  “Yeah, I saw you, wanted to get to know you. Sure, wouldn’t have minded having sex with you. Do you think, I meet many women—just once in a restaurant—can’t take my eyes off them then spend hours on the phone for months and send them a ticket to come visit? You infiltrated my mind.”

  “Well, I infiltrated the wrong type of guy, didn’t I? I think you go after what you want, especially a challenge. Interesting, I almost never go out like I did that night. I usually write, workout and see clients. Occasionally, I may serve on a committee or go to dinner with girlfriends. I am pretty much a recluse, used to date more, but this past year became tired of it. Rather be alone than with someone, I’m not really interested in. I believe, I’ll meet whomever I’m supposed to meet for my soul’s growth by living my life and following my intuition.”

  He adds, “There’re not many people worth the time it takes to get to know ‘em.”

  I think to myself. Is that projection on David’s part? Does he believe he’s not worth the time to get to know? And is this projection on my part, also? What is it David and I mirror? Although, I don’t have money any longer—is it distrust that someone will be after us for what they can get? Um, distrust in people’s motives—translating as insecurity about our self-worth and ability to trust self.